Tuesday, July 10, 2012

30 Things: #3 Relationship with your parents

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

Well, my father is an alcoholic and a pothead. I hadn't spoken to him since I was 15 until my mother had a heart attack four years ago. My parents divorced when I was 15. We lived in the same yard as my dad's mom which is where he moved after the divorce was final. I cut him out of my life along with the rest of his family. All my father ever did was yell and cuss at me, belittle me, and abuse us emotionally and mentally. I remember the smell of alcohol on his breath and the cloud of smoke from the pot. I think it takes more than blood to make a family. Many people disagree with my choice to cut him and his family from my life. I feel that I have to do what is best for me and I spent 15 years praying to God to please give me a way out of the life I was living. I prayed for an end to the crying until I hyperventilated, the feeling of worthlessness, and the fear. I have no regrets about this choice.

My mother and I have a complicated relationship as well. She spent so much time being silent and standing on the side lines when things happened as we grew up. When my brother became violent towards me she said that I deserved it. She blamed me for all of the things that went wrong and for anything that made my brother mad. When I was 22 she kicked me out of the apartment we were living in together because I wouldn't pay half of all of the bills. In all honesty I probably couldn't have afforded it and since I was only in the one bedroom and never home I didn't feel like it was fair. She told me I had wasted four years going to college to be a teacher because I couldn't get a job anywhere. It was hard. Our relationship got better once I was on my own, but then I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. She supported me and did a lot, but other hardships have come out way. My mom has gotten back with my "father". They aren't married, but she spends every Sunday and Monday with him. It upsets my brother and I because she says she only got the divorce for us and other comments she makes make us feel like she thinks she would have been happy without us. By her going back to my "father" it feels and seems as though she is saying that everything he did to us is okay. He hasn't changed. He still does all of the things he did then. I ask my mom to do things with me and she acts like they are a hassle or complains that she doesn't want to and then will turn around and do the same things with him and go on and on about how great it is. It feels like I can't depend on her. It's hard to feel that way. I am incredibly grateful to my mom for keeping a roof over my head and raising me and everything else she has done.

Source: tumblr.com via Amy on Pinterest

I really don't have anything else to say here. I'm having a bad week and it's really gotten to me. Sometimes life overwhelms.

Thoughts, prayers, and love to all of you.

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