Tuesday, July 10, 2012

30 Things: #2 Fears

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

I'm sorta scared of dogs. I used to be scared of ALL dogs because I got bit in the face by one and it ripped a hole in my lip and I had to have emergency reconstructive surgery by a plastic surgeon to fix it... and now I just have a little white line... but I'm not really scared of ALL dogs anymore... My first dog was a Pomeranian/Sheltie mix.. Buddy, you can see his pic in the bottom right side :). Once when I was living in my first apartment I let him out to potty. A pitbull (I didn't know what kind of dog it was at the time) came up and started sniffing him. In a split second that pitbull latched on to my dog and was dragging him away from me with his head in his jaws. My dog was growling and flipping out and doing everything to try to break away. The collar came off of him and the dog wouldn't let Buddy go. I was standing there screaming for help and no one was coming for what seemed like an eternity. Finally some guy stopped his car and came running over and was hitting the dog over the head but it wouldn't stop. I finally remembered the guy next to me was a cop so I went running to his door screaming and he came out and maced the other dog to get it off of mine. It took the whole can to get it to let go. My dog ran for our door and the neighbor called in and he and some other officers tracked down the dog and it's owner who ended up having a warrant for his arrest... obviously pet ownership is a responsibility that reflects on one's pet. My dog ended up fine. He had some puncture wounds, but nothing needed stitches. I felt so bad for him. All he w
anted to do was curl up behind me. So, that kinda brought back the fear. I currently have my brother's pitbull living in my spare bedroom though as he is going through some hard times. This dog cracks me up. He is so sweet and goofy and well behaved. I'm still nervous somewhat because he is a bigger dog compared to Pomeranians (HA!), but he's so sweet. I still won't take my dogs on walks because of the occurrence with Buddy so thank goodness we have a big backyard.

Second fear, failure. I'm afraid to fail or not be perfect. I'm afraid of letting others down or upsetting them. I don't like not being everything for everyone. I know it's unrealistic and no one is perfect, but it's something I always strive for. My house is a wreck and it drives me crazy. I don't want some people to come in because I'm so self conscious about everything that is out of place. Every dirty dish, every furball tumble weed, litter boxes with poopies in them, and let's be realistic- Macey and I are still fighting to get her house broken so there are some potty accidents here and there. I trace this back to my childhood and the fact that my parents never seemed proud of anything I did. My father is an alcoholic so he never really counted in my life for anything that mattered. My mother always talked about how borrowing my report cards and parent teacher conferences were because I got straight A's and everyone loved me. She almost didn't make it to the Honors reception where I got my letter jacket for academics because her boss asked her to work and she didn't get why I was so upset. My graduation (high school and college) have very few pictures from the ceremony and I drove myself home alone and didn't have anyone standing around to take pics of me or my friends afterward. I look back and see all the pictures my friends had and it makes me sad. Every single flaw in my house or housekeeping or yard or life or an outfit drive me crazy. The OCD is manageable while on medication, but it's still something I have to talk myself through. I also guilt myself over the fact that some people can clean their entire houses or move and unpack a whole house in one day... I've had six weeks of summer break and I haven't touched any of it. Given my garage is full and I've tried to spend time with friends and do new things, but I feel like I've wasted my break relaxing, shopping, catching up on sleep, staying up late, spending time with friends and family, and whatever else I've been doing that isn't related to my job, grad school, or cleaning. It's a constant battle in my head against myself.

Source: tweakiz.com via Amy on Pinterest

Last fear- being alone forever. This one sounds so stupid, but it's one of my biggest insecurities. I don't always consider myself to be pretty. I'm a larger girl and dieting and losing weight is easier said than done. I ask myself a lot why a guy would want me when he could have a prettier, thinner girl. I'm insecure in a lot of areas. I've only dated a handful of guys and most of the relationships were not good ones. I deserved better than them and better than how they treated me in the end. So my fear at 29 as I look at my friends who are married, married with kids, or in long term relationships, is that I'm never going to find that because there's something wrong with me. Do I really believe there's something wrong with me? It depends on the day.

Part of me wants to delete this post right now because this is deep and heavy stuff. And #3 is to describe your relationship with your parents. Things might be a little deep for a while. Hope you will stick around for the ride, after all there's probably someone else out there that feels these same things and needs to know they aren't alone too.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thanks for sharing the love! :)

Popular Posts