I've had a really rough time lately, overly emotional, unhappy, gloomy- it happens.
I have anxiety issues, OCD, and once a month a rough week of depression. I deal with it, I smile, I laugh, I love my friends and family.
Sometimes I get in a hole and have a hard time getting out.
Right now I look back and try to figure out when the last time was that I was really and truly happy. It comes and goes in spurts, but when was I last REALLY happy?
Instead I feel like a failure on an almost daily basis. It stems from feeling like I was never good enough growing up. From things that are said to me about my job. From the negative self thoughts that echo in my head as I look at everyone around me and wonder if I will ever find someone to spend the rest of my life with.
Now, I speak very openly with my doctor and I am a thousand times better than I was back in 2005 when I began having panic attacks and sitting in the middle of my kitchen floor crying uncontrollably. I had reasons for feeling so hopeless and stressed. They are issues I still deal with on a daily basis.
My favorite color is pink and I love all things girly: ruffles, sparkles, glitter, bows. I love fuzzy four legged friends. I smile and laugh and enjoy all of the time I get to spend with others.
Then I come home and spend time alone and have no one to turn to. Then things get a little bit darker in my mind, heart, and body.
My goals for 2012 are to work to make myself happy. To choose to do things that could help me be happier.
Get better at keeping a clean and organized house.
Do the dishes before they pile all over the counter.
Make some home improvements.
I want to have a cleaner house so I can have a calmer mind and have a calmer mind so I can have a happier spirit.
I keep many things inside and I struggle with how I feel when I get down and depressed. I struggle with hearing others to tell me to get over it and cheer up, being told that if I want something bad enough than I can get it. There are truly some things beyond our control.
I really hope 2012 gets better than the past, but I need to get the past out of my head and into the open so that others who may be feeling the same way know they are not alone.